Menoleh sebentar...

Back to blogging after 2 days of "closing door". Thanks all my dear friends for all the doa and wishes.

I was OK when I get that news. OK in term of being able to hold onto my foot, no tears, and Sheila said; I looked cool - no shaking.( ombak di dalam hang tak nampak Shiela)
I saw Pete was holding his red eyes. Hahaha.. jantan ni memang lembut hati - 6 tahun kerja dengan dia, memang aku tau sangat..I still can debate with them of my this and that deductions.At one point, I raised my voice on my request to pay me back my 5 days leave hijacked from me due to Friday shutdown in Dec. ( 5 days salary babe.. that covers one installment to my Matrix.)I only stopped reasonng when the person at the other end said, OK, we'll looked into this and we'll bank in to your account if it's approved.
DURING briefing thru' con-call frm HQ.I smsed my husband but told him not to call until I buzz hm up.Pete asked the stupid question.
"Can you accept this"
"Bodoh!"I want to say this word right to his face.tapi tak terkeluar. Lekat kat penapis kerongkong. Dan rasa hormat pada dia sebagai immediate boss, terbang entah ke mana. Sebab tu la cakap ngan dia pagi ini pun lebih kurang jer...macam samseng pun ada!I looked at his pale face - really, after the 6th yrs of service,I never seen this kind of pale face, with read ring on his eye lid -he did looks like a pale ghost! I asked him back,
"Why me?"
He looked down to the floor ( Yes, he cannot face me now). His lips and jaw bergerak sikit but no words out. I continue pressing him.. ( my last chance , kan..)"You gave me very good performance appraisal. Why me?"
I looked straight to his tearry eyes for a sincere answer. He cannot take my stern look. He looked down to the floor and said,
"This is not an easy decision"
Heh heh.. I smile synical smile and look at Sheila who watched the drama.
"This is not about my performance, right?"
"None..you did great. You're part of me,this is not an easy take. Like chopping off my own hand".

Nak maki mamat ni pun ada ...Ya la.. ego as a senior staff mesti ada kan....tapi mulut tak pandai berkata,"double face, as you had made this decion , why cannot tell me off now?I would rather take yr words about my losing point now than facing up yr guilty face, looser!
(They had dismissed 3 others in the same way and their immediate boss was the one who break the news to them. One with a higher postion than me was been called to BB office and handed off. Wondering , in my case, kenapa Pete tak berani cakap sendiri; why not his boss (BB). Kenapa orang besar HR dari HQ yang buat conference call to deliver this message to me).
I was given NET 5.6 month of compensation payment. Sakit hati nengok conpensation tax been charged out to me; besar punya deduction tu.. gone...I closed the con-call and walk off. Pete called me to his room.I said, "not now, I see you after I pack - 6 years..banyak personal stuff."
Back to my place, my husbad called. He said, "Never mind. Come home. We talk".

Then Pete called me to his room. He was busy calling his contact asking for vacancies. He promised me to find a job and look around his circle of contact.
Thanks Pete. No words to say, tak tau nak judge if he is really sincere or just to cover up his guilty concious...
Later I walk to surau to collect my telekung. I leave my sejadah there.. memang we're short off sejadah ; always have to share sejadah. Bye bye surau...
Before I stepped out. I pause and looked back. Unpacked my telekung, do abolution and I performed sunat Dhuha. After the doa, I broke off; and cried and sobbed out. I did sujud syukur and recite 'alam-nashrah'. Being alone there for quiet a while allow me to be re-assemble my focus, re-collecting strength and smile back to the world. Saya mohon supaya Allah berikan saya kekuatan menghadapi kerenah manusia yang tidak saya tahu warna hati mereka di sini. In this situation, it is the world of dog eats dog. Saya pohon supaya Allah menolong memelihara dignity saya sebagai wanita Islam dalam menghadapi situasi ini; I am not gonna allow them to see my weakness in facing this retrenchment practice. Back to my place then I called all my collegue to Pete's room.
"Tak payah la ramai....Agatha sorang, cukup la." he said.
"No, I want all of them heard at one time." (and I want to tell them in worst words - ini dalam hati la...)
"Ok, ladies, I was just terminated. 12.30 is my last hour. Who want to take what?"
Agatha macam baru jaga tidur, mata berkedip-kedip, muka pucat tiba-tiba.
ALim terduduk.
Mabel menjegil.
Serentak "What?"
Saya menjeling Pete, Mamat ni tak reti buat benda lain selain tunduk tengok lantai!
Saya memang sengaja pintas dia, buat announcement sendiri, nak tengok reaksi dia.
"Ok - tell me what you want from me. I going to pack now".
I walked and just straight to what in my mind. DON'T CARE OF OTHERS..
Dalam hati berbunga benci dan sakit hari. Dalam keadaan ini,faktor darah dan warna kulit menjadi hakikat yang tidak tertolak sebagai pemutus jika berlaku sebarang retrenchment. They came to my romm and Agatha said, "wheyyyy, this Wednesday, I am alone, ALim and Mabel on leave. Mati la I , kena cover utk seme orang".
"It's OK, you still have a job". I snapped her off. Mengada-ngada.. dia ni memang jenis yang tak hendak berlebih kurang..

I wrote a goddbye emal to all my business acquaintances... In less then
5 mins. my hp rang up non-stop. I shut off and activated my YM and MSN instead.

Sheila called, "how do you take this.. you nampak cool".
"Sheila.. nak ribut buat apa, nak nangis buat apa, nak rayu buat apa.. it doesn't give me any good.."

( hei.. makcik ni punya wording pagi ni menyengat jer...)

I guess, I OK jugaklah...tak nangis ( depan mereka hehehe),even conforting my friends who came over to me with their tears of the sudden news..) and co-operating well with the handing over of my duties to them. ( I heard later, ALim ran to Siti, drag her to toilet and cry out).
They gave me option to go off at noon but collegue who's taking my work cannot swallow my delivery. I just can wash my hand off and chow, but everyone was in shock and shilvering and they begged me to stay longer. One had gone up to BB asking extension of hrs just because they need me longer to segment out lines thus they can iron out later by themselve.

One came over and cucuk me. Buat apa you stayback - just leave it!
On freindship basis, I am supersoft when my collegue needs help whenever I can.
I did not go and see BB at all. Others came to bid farewell. Guys with sympatic face and words but I joked about it. I told them ,I am still a manager.. a house manager.
The ladies came with tears lah.( benci I) I told them, don' start..because if I start, then I can't stop.I want to save my tears for Palestinian...
With that, we smile away.. what a better way waving goodbye...
At 4 pm FX, my core supplier's Accout Director called up frm Angers, FR and saying in chicky voice..
"hey Jamilah, I will not be missing you, dear !"
"Yup,.. you may call my hp me anytime.."
"Not that, its because, every time when I call yr company, it's yr sweet voice who answer the phone".
Aha.. now I recalled.. it was mine we use for voice over for the company's phone voice system. This is a spirit that he gave me to leave this company with good rememberance...manusia pergi meninggalkan nama...